Tears before bedtime.

Everything you are about to read is not a word of a lie. I have had the most crazy week...to the point where I am so wrung out I'm not sure if I can cope with it. It's all my fault...but it's culminated with me spending the afternoon in floods of tears at my friends house. Now..I bet a lot of you could have predicted it would all end in tears, but we are not all so mindfull of the obvious until it hits us with the advantage of hindsite.

Saturday. It was my birthday last Friday and on Saturday I threw a party at my house. I had a fabulous time...my best friends were there and some other really lovely people. We drank, danced, talked...I even got my tap shoes out at one point, (but it was done tongue in cheek I must add!)The last people staggered off at 3.15 am ...and suddenly, I was there, totally alone. It was like being hit by a brick. Almost unbearable...I didn't even have children asleep upstairs. Not to mention the mess that had to be tackled. A painful end to a wonderful evening and it set the tone for the rest of the week.Now, as the kids were away for a week with The Ex I had made some plans so on ......

...Sunday Mr. Incredible came over for the evening. You have detected in the previous paragraph I'm not too keen on being alone these days. We drank wine, chatted (he really is lovely and very bright) and finally fucked ourselves stupid all over the house. It was excellent, and as predicted, the nice boy is as keen as ever. He stayed the night...we had another early jiggy session (6am...uurrgghh!!) as he had to go for work as it was......

..Monday. Now this is where you could start being judgemental. I had a bath, jumped into the car and drove 75 miles to visit the Beast. My lovely , mad man took me out to lunch , then we went for a walk and spent the best part of the day chatting and actually enjoying one anothers company, even though there was not an erect penis in sight. I started to feel that maybe the basis of our relationship could be changing. No....he still says I'm not the woman for him, although I tick all the right boxes. You go figure....I guess it's a chemistry thing. He doesn't seem to appreciate the fact it takes time to get to know a person before you can even consider whether they are the right person for you, but prefers to decide on the first meeting. We discussed this, retired to the bedroom and consummated our non-relationship (twice). I left late and battled down the motorway in torrential rain and got home after midnight,feeling sore and not a little unloved, but had to be up again at 6 for work on .....

Tuesday. Work was hell...I was so tired. I dragged myself around and made it through the day. No word from Mr Incredible, but I didn't expect there to be to be honest. I raced home, had a bath and prepared myself for the first meeting with Action Man. Yes...he's back and my God....LOVELY. I couldn't believe my luck. He was everything...but you know the pattern by now. If I love, they run...or so it seems. We spent a fabulous evening together...when he first kissed me I melted...he said all the right things, put on all the right music...and we ended up where you shouldn't on a first date, but I invariably do. All there was also in perfect working order ,and we woke up at 1am and had a repeat performance and again at 6.30, when he dragged me back to bed whilst trying to put on my makeup for work.(Me not him. Said I was beautiful, sexy, gorgeous...blah blah blah).It wasn't just a bang either...there was lots of stroking and eye gazing...all the stuff I like but also makes me think I could be on to a good thing when in reality, I'm probably not.When I left he didn't say anything about getting together again. Now ,you have to remember we have been e-mailing and talking for 2 months...have said a hell of a lot and know a lot about one another. Before he even met me he was talking about meeting up again and trying to work out when it would happen. He already loved my mind and my body seemed to do the trick too. So....2 days later...have I heard anything? Bollocks have I.

Wednesday. I'm limping by now, and feeling a tad slutty if the truth be known. I felt deflated as Action Man hadn't even said he would call. Tired, for obvious reasons...and this awful dread of returning to the house alone that evening. Going home was the vile experience I knew it would be, and I fell asleep in front of the TV like a complete saddo with no friends and no life.

Thursday. Slept until 11am. Delicious, but had to get out as soon as I could. I went to the gym and had a really hard work out (I'm looking good at the moment, even though I say so myself. Also still off the fags).I decided to go and spend my birthday money ...I wanted a pair of boots and found what I was looking for. Dragged it out for as long as I could but then decided to go and get something to eat. In the restaurant I read my book and sent out a few texts. I asked Mr. Incredible if he fancied trying out my dining room table for size...he texted back immediately but had tickets to go to something so he was unavailible. I then called the Beast..he was good for a chat, but he prefers to be the initiator, so I didn't suggest we do anything. I wanted to call Action Man, but something is holding me back big time there. I ate, then decided to go and see a movie...was a good film.Anything than sit alone in the house. While I was in there though, who should call but The Cameraman. He was in my message box being as charming as ever so I called him back. Now...please remember we had a tryst a couple of weeks ago...I had fully expected that to be it.
He was feeling crap and I was feeling crap so I suggested I pop over for a drink. Popped over the 50 odd miles in about 40 mins (I DO love the M25 at night...it really works). Got there at 10ish...we went for a drink and we talked seriously about our relationship and that he was commited to someone else (they're now about to move in together but I know that from e-mailing before) but how he still loves his ex etc etc... and I'm lovely and deserve to find what I'm looking for. He's still what I'm looking for, that's the trouble.
We went back for a cup of tea...had said tea..he kept looking at me and smiling, he was staring very intensely at times.He engineered it that we were both on the sofa with my legs over his.He started stroking my head. I started stroking his arm...every time I had smoothed all the little hairs out, he ruffled them up again, because he liked it. Then he stroked my knee, then I stroked his hand, then he stroked my left nipple....you get the picture. As soon as nipples are involved with me and the cameraman we are doomed . Next thing we are down on the floor, eye gazing and doing it. I was thinking...this is bad...he was thinking...this is bad...we were both thinking and saying it but couldn't stop it.

I have come to the grim realisation today, which is .....

Friday that I'm going to have to cease all contact between us. I'm falling in love and it's bloody painful, knowing he's about to move in with someone else. I think he's very confused and shouldn't be doing it, even if I were out of the equation. The moments we spend together are blissful, but they are few and far between and the pain in between is too intense. I think that's why I'm mucking about with the others, to try and take my mind off him. A lot of the time it works but something went too far last night and I have to stop it before I completely fall and seriously go round the bend.

I went to my friends house and sobbed for ages. Then I 'phoned The Tall Guy and blubbed down the 'phone to him...I'm so lucky to have him...I should never have dumped him, but hey....he's with a much better person than me now and he's the best ex you could ever have...! The Cameraman texted me in the middle of said blub. 'Hey you....ok?' I sent back, 'I don't know..how r u?, he sent back 'ok...guilty'. He said he would call me later.

The bottom line here is I have been to bed with 4 men in 4 days, partly because I'm a raving nympho, but mainly because I'm scared of being alone, and with the sex you get affection ,all be it temporary. It's the holding and caressing, not the banging that's important to me, but it's not a good way to go about things and has not made me happy.
Listen and learn. And you guys out there...treat your women a little better. You might have them down as a nympho slag, but perhaps...just perhaps...she's very fond of you but doesn't want to appear clingy or desperate.
I'll let you know what happens.