Two Years LAaer

It's been 2 years since my last post and I can't believe how things have changed.

Remember number 4?? We're getting married in 6 weeks. I have the Louboutin shoes to prove it.

Still in the same job but that's changed massively too...I have 2 new bosses and seem to spend half my life doing their jobs for them (and my own of course!!!) and have also started working in TV and film.' What?'...I hear you clearly. I think you'd better watch this space as I feel the urge to write.............More to come . Think I'll do 'Wedding' first,specially as my last post was 'The Funeral'.

The Funeral

The funeral was as nice as these things can be.....Oxford Crematorium on a January day is never going to be the party of choice, lets face it, but we had a groovy vicar and it was very traditional as she would have wanted it.

Every one wore black, which is a good thing, in my opinion. It's respectful and also looks very chic. I want everyone to wear black at my funeral..none of this bright colours and celebrate my life shit. I'll do that while I'm alive thanks. No....if I'm in a wooden box, about to go into the cold ground or a roaring inferno, the least everyone can do is be sad for half an hour, for God's sake. I'm quite happy for everyone to go and get as pissed as farts afterwards and have a laugh, but for the sad bit, I want them fucking sad.

She had loads of flowers. We usually say family flowers only and donations to wherever, but Nanna loved flowers so everyone let rip with the floribundal tributes and I reckon she loved it. I could picture her on her cloud looking down wishing she could take a few cuttings for the greenhouse, but if she's in heaven then she'll be surrounded by them anyway. If she's in hell...well....she'll be cackling on a bonfire partying with the devil himself, talking him into a few favours to make life a bit more comfortable (like she did in the war. Rations?...bollocks to that...she still managed to get extra eggs and meat from various sources. Don't know where, you didn't ask...sort of like a modern day mate with a bit of cannabis, I guess.)

Afterwards, we went back for 'lunch' and I found myself saying 'haven't you grown?' in that irritating way that old maiden Aunts used to when I was a kid, exept this was a 6'2" cousin, who I last saw at the age of 8...so he had grown...an enormous amount!(Don't you just hate it when you realise you are turning into your mother?).

I also had a great time swaping divorce/psychotic-ex stories with the vicar, who is also divorced and has a psychotic ex. (In fact, I think he won hands down!) and he was so fab I've booked him for my own funeral, should I happen to go while he's still in business. (I'm not planning on it, by the way, but you never know). He knows to tell everyone to wear black and preferably 6" stilleto's too (only the women) and I know he'll play groovy music and say things to get everyone sobbing into their orders of service (see above).

So, in spite of it being a terrible day, it was also a very good day. It was draining but she had a good send off which is how it should be. After I had driven back to London and collected the kids, The Boyfriend came over and cooked for me while I sat in the bath with a G&T. That's why I love him so much, and will not be fucking up this relationship in any shape or form. He instinctively knew when I would need him and was there, with a smile, broad shoulder and later on much much more (which is private , you naughty people!).

Hi Y'All

Sorry I've been away for a while...it's been busy, busy and very, very emotional since I was last on here...good and bad.

The bad is my Grandmother died over Christmas, but the good is me and The Boyfriend have moved on to the next step and things are hotting up. Yes..it's officially 'lurve' and to quote Robert Palmer, 'Can't eat, can't sleep, No doubt, you're in deep' . I'd forgotten how inconvenient this infatuation business was...it's almost impossible to function on a coherent level.

Now I feel SO guilty at being happy when it's also such a sad time, but my Nanna was a bit of a goer in her day, and I reckon she'd approve.

I got wasted New years Eve....champagne,cassis, tequila and ecstacy are not a good combination and rendered me incapable of standing for approximately an hour, but also makes you very aware and everything is so clear. An interesting experience. It was the first time I had met any of his friends and family and they were ALL there in one go..very draining and anxiety making, but apparently they all thought I was wonderful and said they hadn't seen him so happy in a long time. Funny...my friends all said the same thing about him. Anyway...all's well that ends well, I'm still alive and back in the land of housewifery with my darling children but missing himself desperately.Desperate housewife...ha ha. (Hurry up and call, mate...then I might stop writing drivel on my blog).

So, I'm well, happy and I have to say, about bloody time too...long may it last. Back at work tomorrow so no doubt I'll have something to moan about again soon...and after next week a funeral to tell you all about. (They are always interesting, I find. Even when you're a major player).

Speak to you soon..........

Nurses from overseas.

Here is a heart warming little story about the efficiency and excellent management of the NHS....

A year and a bit ago we needed to fill some posts so a couple of managers went on a jolly to a popular city in Spain I shall not mention, but Gaudi used to live there and it's a well known destination for excellent weekend breaks. They recruited around 25 nurses for our hospital.

When they arrived I was asked to participate in their orientation and facilitate their smooth progress into the wards. What a fucking laugh...they could hardly speak English. I had to almost start from scratch.

Me: Do you know what this drug is used for?
Nurse: No
Me: OK..it's used for asthma.
Nurse: What is asthma?
Me: It's when there is narrowing of the airways....you know...wheezy. (Realistic impression of someone dying of an asthma attack. Patients are pissing themselves at senior members of staff obviously playing a game of charades in the middle of a busy hospital ward).
Nurse: Wheeeeeeezzzzziiieee??????? Oh..ok. No breathe.
Me: Si...si. Bien. So....what is this drug for?
Nurse: (Shrugs shoulders, shakes head).
Me: Arthritis. Stiff joints? Comprendez???
Nurse: I don't know word you saying...
Me: Rheumatiod arthritis. Autoimmune disease. Patients can't move very well. You know what joints are?
Nurse: No.
Me: Fuck it..I'm going for a coffee. Can you make the beds?

Now, this would not be so tragic except that at the time 2 cohorts of nurses that had been trained by us were about to graduate, from 2 separate universities. I'm not sure how much it costs to train a nurse...probaby getting on for at least £100,000..probably more. I'll look it up. But there were no jobs for a lot of them, because they had been taken up by nurses recruited from abroad that couldn't speak English and were taking up virtually all of my time. Eventually, the trust paid for them to have private English lessons. Are you laughing or weeping?

To be fair, once they had cracked the lingo (after about 6-8 months) they were terrific nurses and I have to be honest, a lot better than some of our home grown ones, but ...hey...these were young European women who were doing their London bit and guess what?:less than 18 months later they'd all moved on anyway. Most of them realised that once you've been on the London Eye and seen all the shows, there's not much else here apart from shit weather. Being on a nurses salary there's not much you can afford in a city like London.

So now they're all back in sunny Spain and we're back to square one. They spent a lot of their time on various training courses to get them up to speed...I dread to think how much the whole excercise cost. But I could have told them all this before it had even happened. Hey ho.

And we're supposed to be saving money. I'm going to suggest we cut out the middle man and just flush it straight down the toilet and save every one a lot of time and trouble.

Nurse Training in the UK.

I recently was asked to talk to some newly qualified nurses who we had just employed. My remit was:
'Tell them about your role and what we expect from them. Scare the shit out of them please....we need to sort them out from the start.'

Does that sound cruel and unprofessional to you? Yes...it does, doesn't it, until you realise what we're up against.

There they were...all fresh faced and enthusiastic, raring to go and save lives...the cream of the crop. Our interview process now consists of a whole day of tests....drug assessments, patient care planning, team work and finally after lunch, those who pass all of that are interviewed. (In my day, we had a 20 minute chat with the sister of the ward we wanted to work on and we were in.) So why do we go to such lengths to recruit into such junior positions? Because three years training and a diploma or a degree in Nursing does not guarantee they are able to perform basic skills. So how do they qualify as registered nurses in modern day Britain if they cannot perform a simple drug test?...this is a basic chore of any practising nurse, I hear you cry.

Well, fuck knows...but they do. This is why myself and my peers have to spend a whole day doing something that used to take a couple of hours to ensure we don't inadvertently employ a walking law suit. Their qualification does not guarantee they can do the job.

Whilst talking to my embryo nurses one of them asked me, 'Who shows us how to insert nasogastric tubes and things like that?'. I was speechless. Bless her heart, she didn't realise...wasn't her fault , so I was REALLY nice about it, but sadly, unable to hide my horror.

'How can you have done 3 years training and not have been shown how to do that?'

'I know...but they don't show us. I can write you a fantastic essay though on social issues'.( She said this tongue in cheek...the girl was not stupid.)

Aaaarrrrggghhhhh!!!! (That was in my head by the way..I have to be professional occasionally).What can you do? WHAT CAN YOU DO????

You never see a nurse tutor on the wards any more, teaching the basic skills required ,during their training. So, people are now being employed to teach the nurses after they have been trained.(My job).Gosh....doesn't that make sound economical, practical and financial sense? NOT.

I recently bathed an old lady...she was over the moon...went around the ward telling anyone that would listen that the nice nurse over there had bathed her and washed her hair. A second year student told me she had never bathed a patient. Two years of nursing and she had never given any one a bath! We're talking basic stuff here...not rocket science. Don't hold your breath waiting for their teeth to be cleaned or their hair to be brushed. And God help you if you ask a nurse to describe the signs of infection.....I frequently have to go and hide while I fight the urge to kick, scream and then weep.

Florence Nightingale was famous for being a nurse reformer...well, we need a darn sight more reforming now then we ever did in the days of the Crimea. We have the facilities and the knowledge to deliver what the patients need at no extra expense...we're talking basic needs here.Every ward has a bathroom and a bar of soap. It has to boil down to attitude and grass roots training.

I would love to go and train nurses from scratch, but I don't have the level of qualifications required.(ie: a degree or preferably a masters or even a PHd). No, instead of hiding my nose in academia for the past 10 years and never setting foot in a hospital ward, I have 20 years of hands on, practical experience, including the running of an Intensive Care Unit, several courses relevent to my experience, plus a Cert. Ed and the personality and guts to do something when I see something wrong. Obviously not enough.

Oh well....I'm sure my myraid of managers know what they're doing...after all, they've shaken hands with Tony and I haven't......

My New Best Friend....

Well.....it looks like I have a new boyfriend. I can't believe after all the tossers I've met , I've finally found someone who is caring, genuine, thoughtful and considerate. Not to mention totally fucking sexy and great in the bed department. This all seems to good to be true and I have to keep reminding myslef that any minute now he's going to dump me, or tell me he's married after all, or has just accepted a job on the other side of the world.

However, the other day, he called me and asked if I really meant what I'd said about being exclusive and was I sure etc as (and I quote) 'we guys get insecure too, y'know'. Awwww....sweet, so at the moment I choose to enjoy this and believe he's genuine.

Yesterday he took the day off work and we walked miles, had a late breakfast and then spent the rest of the day together. It was a wrench leaving and because it's that stupid time of the year (christmas) he's now really busy for ages and not sure when we can hook up again. (That's why he took yesterday off). I REALLY miss him already...have sent a text but haven't had a reply yet.

I'm acutely aware of two things....1. My political rant about the NHS attracted more comments than I've had for a long time but I enjoy writing about my love life more....hmmmm.....maybe I can combine both.... and 2. my love life going well is great for me but totally boring to read about. SO......might change things a bit here for a while. I'll keep you posted on the love life but might dwell on some other issues too....

What d'ya reckon?

Meanwhile...

Number 4 and I have agreed to go exclusive.Oh my God!!!!! I will refer to him as 'The Boyfriend'.(Seeing as he now is, I suppose!).

I never did meet number 6 and his massive willy...it would have been great for this blog, but maybe not so great for me. Apparently he and his psychotic girlfriend used to suck it at the same time! Eeeuuuuwww!!!! I think I'm far better off out of that one.

Loads of guys have been coming out the woodwork this past week....there was one bloke I briefly dated 2 years ago....the magic was there and the sparks were flying even on the first date. He called me every night and was truly besotted. Just as I was thinking that something good could be happening he announced he was getting back with his wife. That was the end of him....or so I thought. He actually called the other day to see if I were still single!!! Well, officially I was at the time and so I agreed to meet him for dinner out of sheer curiosity. I then got loads of calls, him telling me he never forgot me, he should never have got back with the Mrs.(if you heard his story, you'd agree with him), that I was fantastic and he had a strong feeling about the two of us. Whoa....freaky? You bet. I called last night and blew him out....definately won't be seeing him.

I also called the beast, who was predictable.

'Bugger...I was desperate for a shag as well. Oh well...all the best....I'm pleased for you.' Which after all was very nice and magnaminous of him, but also indicated I meant nothing to him whatsoever. Unless it was a front.He fininshed up with.'If it doesn't work out and you need some serious cock, give me a call....anytime'. Not romantic, but it's always nice to know there's back up big willy out there.

The rest of them were sort of, 'Oh ok..... all the best, not to worry etc etc...That was the businessman, French men 1 and 3, local painter and decorator I never even got round to meeting but sounded a bit wide for me anyway (my 'phone went as I was writing this and it was him...spooky. He now knows I'm off the market), as well as the two I told you about. And apart from the Beast who goes back a LONG way, I haven't shagged any of them.! (Oh and I also had a text from Mr Incredible last weekend, asking me if we could get together. I didn't even reply).

Men are like buses...either none at all, a few availible but highly dysfunctional or the lovely viable pristine ones all come at once...I wouldn't be surprised if the Cameraman called and told me he'd ditched his soppy girlfriend and I was the love of his life after all. Now, that would be a conumdrum....xx .I'll tell you more about the Boyfriend himself another time....